The AP is Dumb as Hell

They just voted Tiger Woods the Athlete of the Decade.

Don’t they realize he plays golf. He’s an athlete in the sense a bowler or dentist is an athlete.

What about Lance Armstrong? That pot smoking swimmer guy? Roger Federer?

How in the world do we let golfers and racecar drivers have their careers tied to the word "athlete"?

It boggles my mind.

F’rinstance: Pot smoking swimmer guy WARMS UP by swimming 12,000 meters. That’s seven miles. When Tiger competes…he walks 3 miles, and has someone carry his bag.

You suck, AP. You suck hard.

I Push the Limits Because I’m ALL Man Baby

I have always had a high tolerance for caffeine, unlike alcohol, where my tolerance is quite low (even so, few women try to force liquor down my throat and take advantage).

As far back as I can remember, I’ve grabbed the high caffeine drinks, though I never drank a lot of coffee. I like coffee, but my motor has always run hot (yesterday with the 20 degree weather I was wearing a windbreaker and hanging outdoor lights for 2 hours), it’s hard for me to justify the profuse sweating a hot beverage will induce.

My sister the Red Bull employee is always leaving Sugar Free Red Bull at the house. One evening she watched me drink four, “You’re going to be up all night.”

Of course she was wrong, because she is my little sister and ergo stupid. I slept like a baby.

Most mornings I knock back a couple of Pepsi Max to start the day.

Today though, someone brought in some good coffee. Some really good coffee. I was knocking back big booby sized cup after booby sized cup (always in pairs). By lunch I’d had 4 cups plus 2 Pepsi.

When the buzz hit it came strong. At the same time an urgent desire to hurl appeared. My upper lip began to sweat, and I became slightly dizzy.

This lasted about 15 minutes and then it passed.

I waited 10 more minutes before getting another cup. I’m not stupid.

People Watching

My entire life I’ve been a people watcher. I like sitting at a bar or coffee shop watching people come and go.

If you listen you’ll hear couples exchanging intimacies like “I want to marry you on a beach” or “you remember my ex, Michael right? Well he just found out he has syphillis”. It’s a treasure trove of entertainment that comes directly to you. Well, directly after you go to a public place.

That place is important. I won’t people watch at Wal-Mart. Fugly ass people go to Wal-Mart. They aren’t beneath me, and face it I could claim a Frankenstein Face award or two myself, but as long as I’m staring why not some eye candy?

Trendy bars are good, but you need to be there at the right time. Right around 4 to 6. This is before they get too busy, but still have a good enough crowd to keep one occupied. Smartly dressed young professionals chat, let their hair down and get a little raunchy. That’s ok, most of us have to keep our real personalities bottled up at work.

Then there is Shoney’s. There is no redeeming quality about people watching at Shoney’s.

A Low Tech Post in a High Tech World

The Walls of Heartache

Tiger Woods, the golfer had an accident (you’ll never convince me he wasn’t under the influence) and it soon snowballed into scandal. Not to be confused with Scandal, the 15th awesomist 80’s band ever, performers of the . The bad kind of scandal where Tiger had to have sex with lots of women. The kind of scandal every guy wants.

Except for the loss of endorsements. Tiger only makes about $10,000,000/yr as a golfer, but gets to add an extra 0 for endorsements. That’s quite a bit more than I make for this blog. [SIDEBAR- If you would like my celebrity endorsement, hit me up on Twitter @freakyweasel, you'll find me surprisingly affordable and ineffective]

Rumor is that Gatorade is pulling out of the Tiger business.

Which prompted me to ask…what does a golfer need with Gatorade? I’ve played golf, it doesn’t exactly call for a lot of exertion. The typical PGA course is about 3-4 miles long. It takes them four hours to play.

On any given weekend you can go to a local 5k and watch a 90 year old Manatee shaped woman run those three miles in 30 minutes without stopping to rest.

Golf, it’s cute you think you’re a rugged manly sport. But as a fan of football and hockey, you know, REAL sports, I gotta tell you you’re much more akin to ice dancing.

Did You Hear the One About the Jew?

Sorry dude, if you came here for a tacky Jew joke, I don’t know any. I grew up in a redneck neighborhood that was more or less sans Jewish. Except for my friend Charles’ dad when I was 11. I’m not sure he was Jewish, but he once gave me a sandwich with brown mustard on it. He was from Rochester, NY, so I assumed that he was of Hebrew descent, and that brown mustard was a cultural thing.

I think very little about religion, but in the last two weeks, three people actual have ‘come out’ to me as being Jewish. I suppose they weren’t hiding it per se, but they specifically identified themselves as Jews to me. I’m not sure why. I figure I’m either A) throwing off some kind of Jew hater vibe and they are defiant (which makes me sad, I’m a lover not a hater…unless you’re elderly) or B) I’ve got some kick ass pheromones that convince people to tell the truth (but only if you’re Jewish, and trying to disguise your religious/ethnic background…quite the lame superpower).

I’ve done nothing to educate myself about the Jewish faith. Everything I know comes from Schindler’s List, School Ties, and Seinfeld.

I will summarize what I think I know (this will not be fact checked, feel free to correct me in the comments):

1. Jews are good at football

2. They are funny

3. At thirteen or so there is a Mitzvah.

4. If only your dad is Jewish, you ain’t Jewish

5. They eat a soup with some kind of cracker ball

6. They claim Moses AND Jesus among their alumni base. I went to TSU and we have Oprah.

7. The skullcap is called a yarmulke. Yarmulke may be Yiddish for skullcap

8. They don’t have X-mas, the have Hanukkah (Free Tip: XM Channel 28 is Hanukkah music throughout the season)

9. According to Law and Order:SVU if you’re Orthodox it’s better to be a pedophile than a fornicator. When has episodic TV ever been wrong?

10. The dudes get their sausage cut presumably leading many males to forgo converting later in life.

11. They seem to enjoy the top (the toy, not the position, sicko) more than most. Why they are made of clay, I can’t fathom.

I still don’t know any jokes.

I have one gay joke though. Did you hear the one about the gay guy who says no?

Lunchtime Thoughts

1. I’m pretty sure local hot dog stand, ‘I Dream of Weenie’ is owned by a woman. I can’t see a dude – even a gay dude – choosing that name.

2. Bacon is awesome.

3. In 2009, if you charge for Wi-Fi, you are a turd.

4. I never figured out a tasteful way to hit on women at a funeral. I am starting to think those ‘Dear Penthouse’ letters are exaggerations.

5. Why do people put things other than cars in their garages? Especially in winter.

6. If you’re going to smoke, smoke like a big boy/girl and get rid of that sissy ass filter. Also, butts flying from your car window should be shoved…into your ash tray.

7. I don’t like X-mas music.

8. Kids give up the smart mouth when you take their iPod and give it to a neighbor kid.

9. I wonder how much soap you could make from my liposuctioned body fat.

10. Ink looks cool. Will it still be bad ass in the old folk’s home?

11. I guess being thin does feel better than a cupcake tastes. Depends on the cake. And how thin. And if you’re a dude. Women are much more forgiving of a man’s physical imperfections. They choose instead to slowly crush the soul.

12. I’m not a fan of paintings that don’t look like anything.

13. Why do so many hipster celebrities appear publicly in bare feet? Don’t they fear stepping on glass or in someone else’s spit?

But I Didn’t Ask for Sausage…

We all have days when weird things happen.

Today is such a day for me.

I was out running errands during lunch. I decided to stop at Subway and grab a sandwich to eat between stops. As often happens with me I left the building prior to draining the weasel. Since there were a couple of people in line for sandwiches, I decided to make a quick pit stop.

This particular shop is quite small. The bathroom is a one-holer, about the size you might have in an apartment. The door opens out into the dining area allowing you (or me in this instance) to enter and do your business.

Three people were seated in the dining area.

I grabbed the door knob. It turned easily in my hand. “Great,” say I to myself, “She is unoccupied.“

I am a flamboyantly straight man. I don’t half ass anything. When I open a door. That door gets opened.

When I did so, I revealed to myself and the world (the world being the three diners), a skinny, white man using the hand dryer to blow his penis.

It was disturbing.

I closed the door quickly, but the damage to my retinas was done.

He didn’t just pull out his junk. He had dropped his pants to his ankles. He’d bowed his knees like Michigan J. Frog and shoved his twig and berries into the dryer.

I wish he’d locked the door, or I’d just eaten out of the vending machine.

Free the UT 3!

Three UT Football players were arrested for “armed robbery”. Allegedly they put a gun in the face of a couple of people and asked them for money.

Is this even a crime?

They ASKED for money. How is the gun even an issue? If they have a gun, the responsible thing to do is keep it where you can see it. What if some kid wandering around at 2am found it?

Also, I think having 3 armed football players out and about in the wee hours deters real crimes committed by people that can’t play college football. This is a service they provided free in addition to their studies and football duties. Could there be three more generous lads.

It makes me sad that I don’t live in a city patrolled by polite, armed eighteen year old college athletes.

Nashville blows.

Classic Cartoons Mostly Suck

I’m 9 years older than my youngest sibling. Up until the summer I started college I was fairly abreast of TV cartoon offerings, mostly due to our 1 tv household.

After leaving home I lost touch, and a decade later I got married and became an uncle. One of my nieces loved the Power Puff girls (not Powder Puff, dumbass) and she tried to explain the appeal, but it was lost on me.

Now even further down the line, I’ve got a tween on the cusp of leaving cartoons behind. Since about age 7 or 8 though, I’ve watched what she watched. Fairly Oddparents, The Penguins of Madagascar, the one with the talking farm animals…they are all entertaining. Fairly Oddparents is particularly witty. Yes, I used the word witty.

When I was a kid I had Bugs Bunny (and friends, though everyone but Daffy sucked), Mickey Mouse (the whole House of Mouse super sucked…well maybe Donald was ok sometimes), and Woody Woodpecker (and how gay is that?).
All slapstick, no substance.

I wonder what awaits me as a grandfather. Whatever it is, I’ll probably be watching it on the internet.