I’m a football fan. However, until my hometown got an NFL team I hardly ever watched pro-ball, I prefer the college game. In fact since I was a Davidson County (Nashville, TN if you’ve stumbled here from somewhere else) resident I voted against the referendum to build the Titan’s Stadium. I have a nasty libertarian streak that makes me want private industry to build their own facilities.
Even so, I have a pair of PSLs (Permanent Seat Licenses – my ticket to buy tickets).
This season the Titans are 0-4. They suck harder than a turbo-charged Hoover in all three phases.
Defense: Sucks.
Offense: Sucks.
Special Teams: Came in right off the Short Bus, they SUPER suck. For them to just suck would take a 73% improvement.
The schedule this year has been heavily weighted with home games toward the end of the season this year. When a team is winning each game becomes bigger, more of an event. Games at the end, when you’ve clenched playoffs and you’re just improving your seed are great fun. When a team is losing…each successive game becomes more of a painful, disappointing time suck.
Not only are losses disheartening, but my ticket resale value has been flushed down the toilet.
This is all a prelude to another shitty list post…sort of. I’ve got suggestions.
My ticket value is gone. I accept that. However, football is a business, an entertainment business. So dammit, I want to be entertained.
Violence: My reptilian brain, can cope with losing better if at some point during the game an opposing player gets injured. Nothing life-threatening, I’m not an animal. But I’m fine with breaking a couple of ribs on an opposing wide receiver coming across the middle. I want to hear 68,000 (well, ok the 50,000 who show up) shouting "Ooooo" in unison. Late hit the quarterback. Body slam a running back. Give me the mental imagery to say, "Well, we lost by 30, but did you SEE Peyton get hit?" I don’t care about the score. I don’t care about the flags. On the jumbotron, after each crushing blow, give me a clip of Ivan Drago saying, "If he dies, he dies."
Ratchet up the violence.
SWAG aka Stuff We All Get: Again, football is a business. Bud Adams isn’t there to give me money. Due to his business acumen, he in fact is getting mine instead. However, that doesn’t mean all the giveaways have to be shitty. I don’t need a damn calendar. I sure as hell don’t need a football card with a picture of Vandenbosch. I’m a straight male in my late thirties. What the hell am I going to do with a collectibles. You know what would be better? How about a Titans flatware set? At each game give me a spoon, a fork, and a knife. Don’t tell me it’s not doable. Some newspaper in Europe had enormous success according to the dude who wrote this book (which I downloaded free). Don’t want to have 50,000 angry fans armed with knives in your stadium? Fine. How about neck/back rub kiosks like at the airport. Have a masseuse rub the tension and rage from my shoulders. Give me a hot dog. Cut the price of the beer. The Titans are crapulent. Distract me.
Give. Me. Something.
SEX: Hells yeah. Cheerleaders on the sidelines are fine when you’ve got a ten win season. When you’re 0-fer, we deserve something more. Ordinarily at the Halloween games, when one of the cheerleaders dresses as a dominatrix, I think to myself, "Maybe that’s a bit over the top." Now is the time, to make that the standard attire for the rest of the year. I’ve bought my tickets. The team is losing. Beer is seven bucks a pop. I’m already getting screwed, this will make it more palatable. I also think the cheer leading staff should be temporarily tripled and each girl required to flirt with the male patrons*…specifically me. Sure, it’s the women, not the team that suffer in this scenario. But when I see boobs, I can’t think about the wasted money and time. I like cleavage, it can be used to manipulate me and I’m not ashamed to admit it.
Put on some Colour Me Badd and sex me up.
I don’t expect my advice to be heeded, but I offer it freely. I hated grunge, but Nirvana was right. "Here we are now…"
*Obviously, I’m not a sexist, female patrons that need wooing, should also receive a fair amount of cheerleader attention.