Hey Everybody, Have You Heard?

Not too long ago I was stuck behind a bus. A Metro School bus over on Trinity Lane. A young lad, quite probably the elementary equivalent of the valedictorian was sitting in the back seat. Alone.

He was turned around looking out the rear window. He noticed me and I looked back.

His arm, casually resting on the top of the back seat slipped down a few inches. It was in that tiny gap between the seat and the rear wall of the bus. His hand was still visible through the window.

He made eye contact, and that 11 y/o kid shot me the bird, you know, the finger?

Yes, I know…the finger…Goose.

I was briefly taken aback.

Then I returned fire with both barrels. At the same time clearly phrasing the words, “Fuck you, asshole” so that even a blind man could have read my lips.

I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but it felt good.

This is Why I Can’t Have Nice Things

Watching TV in the bonus room, I heard a crash from the little one’s bathroom.

“What happened?” I yelled. I wasn’t about to pick my lazy butt up and go running if there was nothing wrong.

“Something fell.”

“What fell?”

“This bar thingy.”

“The towel bar?”

“Yes.”

“It just ‘fell’ off of the wall?”

“Yes.”

“Were you hanging on it?”

“…”

“Well?”

“Just for a second.”

Then Why Am I Not the Freaky Hare?

I am not an overly confident, arrogant person. I don’t lack self-esteem, I just think I have the correct amount. I like meeting new people, and when I’ve had the time, I’ve attended the various blogger soires around town. When I get there I scope people out.

I don’t check out the ladies (or guys) for looks.

I don’t look at clothes or jewelry for signs of wealth.

I look for signs of speed (as in locomotion, not amphetamines).

All my life, while I’ve lacked wisdom, beauty, and tact…I have always been the fastest runner I know. At the blogger gatherings I’ve felt confident that I could take anyone I’ve met in a 100 yard dash, with the possible exception of ‘JD’, but he went off the air a couple of years ago anyway so he doesn’t count.

I think I could give most of you 10-20 yards and still win.

This belief in your own superiority is a pretty good thing…when you’re 7. Since I was never able to accomplish anything of note past that age, I hold onto it fairly tight. It’s made even worse because right now I couldn’t run if you paid me. My hamstrings are so tight and sore my walk has become an odd shuffle that makes me look like I dropped a load in my pants.

I know I’m going to heal so if you take offense, I’m always ready to put my feet where my mouth is (and not just for chewing toenails). Bring your running shoes and enough money for beer. Though at my age I may need to switch the wager to a post-run rubdown.

Awkward, sure, but I won’t be doing the rubbing.

What I Can Chew vs What I Bite Off

Those who know me will probably tell you I’m not that bright. Fair enough, I’ve never claimed to be. While I have my momentary sparks of adequacy, I spend most of my time in a world reminiscent of Forrest Gump.

When I blogged under my former pseudonym I once commented on Crossfit. When I’m not playing sports and need to exercise, I usually pick the most recent workout of the day. If you’re not familiar, the goal is not to get shredded, it’s really more to get strong and agile for sports or hand to hand combat. I don’t fight all that often so it’s more the sports side of things.

Today, I hit the gym with no particular workout in mind so I pulled one from Crossfit. Normally I cut whatever they say by 50%, otherwise I usually can’t complete the routine. Why? Because I have a jelly-filled belly and a Kool-Aid pumpin’ heart. Fucker. I only cut by about 20% today.

I just walked two flights of stairs. You know how sore you are two days after a tough workout? I’m there right now, two hours later. I’m going skiing tomorrow, and currently I’m wondering if my mom did drugs while I was in utero, because no one can be as dumb as I am naturally.

I’m the Freaky Weasel. And sometimes I do stupid shit.

I Can’t Believe That I, a Blogger, am Self Absorbed

    I’ve been fairly busy of late, so updates have been sparse. Life has seen fit to point right in my face and say, “Freaky, you sir, are a selfish ass…but not unkind.”

    The wife, due to an error in accounting, told me that an important monthly occurrence had not occurred. This I assured her was fine. “No big deal. These things are blessings. We are awesome parents”. While internally, I’m all, “Seriously?! What the? I don’t have time for this. This sucks.” 

    

    Long story short. Wife can’t count, and I’m in the clear. Insert smiley emoticon :)

    Furthermore, we’ve lost two straight games in my hockey beer league . Sure I’d prefer to win, but y’know, someone has to lose and it’s not like a Gladiator movie, everyone wears shirts and everyone lives. This is the kind part of me. I accept the loss graciously and try to pick up the team mates. The selfish part is more the conflicted.

    Brain: “If dude keeps cheating up like that he’s gonna get burned. Oh look a break away. He’s not gonna get back in time. Great another score. He’s only torched you three times tonight. My plus/minus is +5 over the last two games. So I think I know I’m not the problem…”

    Voice: “That’s alright…you’ll get the next one.”

    It’s for the best I suppose. If society constantly told us what they really think…the world could turn ugly.