My Predictions for the Oscars…Sort Of

    Any consumer of p r 0 n will tell you, all big movies are remade into ‘adult films’ with a clever title change. As most men never leave junior high on a mental level, it amuses us to guess what these titles will be.

    The movies:

1. Slumdog Millionaire

2. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

3. Milk

4. Frost/Nixon

5. The Reader

    My guesses:

1. Slumdoggy-style Millionaire or possibly Slut Doggystyle Millionaire

2. The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt Man

3. Milf

4. Frost/Dicks in  I admit this is a stretch

5. The Breeder

    If you think you can do better, feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.

The Worm of Course

    My sister and I were chatting with a new acquaintance when, as often happens, the subject of graves came up. We determined that pissing on a grave is socially unacceptable.

    Dancing on a grave is allowable, provided that the dance is…The Worm.

It’s Not Lazy, It’s Efficient

    A bit of office email correspondence received from a co-worker.:

Co-Worker: R U here 2day?

Me: Yes. I’m 2 legit 2 quit.

Co-Worker: Good. I didn’t want to walk over there and you not be there.

Me: It’s 30 ft. You don’t need a sherpa.

Co-Worker: F**k you.

Songs I Know the Words To…

In addition to not having much of a singing voice, I have absolutely no memory for lyrics. We all have songs we just don’t quite catch the words to. For me, an example would be Pour Some Sugar On Me. I can’t help but sing, “you got the peaches, I got the cream, sweet potato,sacrilege.”

That’s what I heard for years.

Songs I never make a mistake on are my 80s sit coms. I think I’ve mentioned before, rarely am I challenged to sing one, where I am completely stumped. And lets face it, where can you go to get away from these constant challenges? Not my house.

Alice, One Day at a Time, Facts of Life, Different Strokes, Family Ties, the list goes on. If there was some reality show that involved singing these bits of beautiful music artistry, I’d totally be famous.

Love

    So I’m in the kitchen making rice and drinking a glass of wine. The color looks a little funny to me, so I hold it up to the light. At that moment the water, which is too hot, begins to overflow onto the stove.

    My dear wife walks in and says, “See, the water’s overflowin’ because you’re busy looking at your wine!” Then she starts to clean it up.

    As a man I’m pretty sure the Bible says I can’t be wrong, so I respond, “Clearly you don’t understand cause and effect. The water is overflowing because the burner is too hot. It has nothing to do with me drinking wine.”

    “Hmm. Keep being a dick and see what kind of effect that has.”

    “…”