Ninja Movies are for Douches

    As far back as junior high I remember fanboys jizzing themselves after every crapfest of a ninja movie came out. They’d buy throwing stars and nunchuks, enroll at David Deaton, preparing themselves for the life of the ninja.

    

    I never got the thrill.

    

    Sure, I like general badassery as much as the next guy. But come on, even at 12, I was like, seriously? Even if I don’t roll my eyes at the magical sneaking prowess of the ninja, what with the amazing ability they have to climb sheer walls a’la Peter Parker style…I can’t get over the fighting.

    

    A. Why is it in every damn movie there is a ‘bad’ ninja that the ‘good’ ninja has to fight. Usually, the bad ninja has an army of bad ninjas who are in fact, bad ninjas. These bad ninjas all suck balls, because the good ninja plows through them, with darts, and arrows, and a host of weaponry obsolete for 500 years. Leading me into point B.

    

    B. If ninjas are so damn smart and innovative, how come they haven’t adopted the gun? If a ninja came at me with a sword I’d shoot him. If I recognized that sissy ninja costume with the footed pajamas and the slit between the big toe and the other, lesser toes…I’d pop a cap right in his scrotum, man-law be damned.

    

    C. They never show hooters. With all the fighting, ninja movies never seem to have nude women. A theme common in all karate movies, but especially ninja titles. Ninjas it seems are gay or chaste. Probably mostly gay, as in all the flashback scenes it’s a bunch of dudes hanging together on some remote mountain top in China. That’s probably how the ninjas learn stealth. Sneaking from one erotic ninja on ninja rendezvous to the other.

        

    Ninjas in general are sneaky little douches. I hate them.