Man Nipples I’ve Licked = 1

At the end of a deployment people get very relaxed. Even following a simple four month TDY on the East Coast.

When your family is miles away you bond quickly cuz you see the same people day after day.

Tonight while others drank (I had the night shift) we said a few goodbyes to people leaving tomorrow.

There were water ballons thrown. Man boobs groped. Shadow fondling of balls. And a photographer catching it all.

At one point a man saw the camera pointing in our general direction. He did what men do. He thrust his nipple in my face. Basically, I was taunted. I felt I’d been called out as a pussy, so I stuck out my tongue and coated that hairless nipple in my saliva just as the camera snapped.

The owner of said nipple squealed and jerked away screaming, “Oh God, I feel fucking dirty!”

Even though I had a man’s useless nipple in my mouth…I feel like a winner.

I Don’t Think You Listen to the Things I am Saying

Typical conversation betwixt my temporary boss and me (partially fabricated):

Her: Did you get the email I sent this morning?

Me: No, I haven’t been to the base yet.

Her: Well, I sent it this morning.

Me: Yeah, but in the Air Force’s infinite wisdom, I can only check that email from a military computer on a military base as I am not hacker enough to spoof the machines into believing I’m coming in from a dot mil address. I haven’t been in, ergo, it has not been read.

Her: I sent it this morning.

Me: It’s 3 o’clock. I know you work from 8:30 to 3 every day. I think you forget that on day’s like today, I won’t have launched my last mission until about 2 in the morning at the end of my 12th hour.

Her: Nobody checks their email.

Me: Do you hear me?

Her: I don’t understand what the big deal is, just check the email.

Me: Are you a fembot?

Her: I want people to check their email.

Me: What did the email say?

Her: There’s a karaoke party down the street tonight, everyone is welcome.

Me: Tonight?

Her: Yes.

Me: In the middle of my shift?

Her: Uh, yes.

Me: Well, I don’t think I’m going to make it.

Her: Ok, I just wanted to make sure everyone was invited.

Me: I’m going to go check my email now.

Great Lyrics are Great

The problem with living in Nashville is that everyone you know is a music snob. Some people say they listen to anything, but that’s bullshit. The first thing I do when I hear “I like everything” is turn the radio to NPR or 92Q (for those not familiar with Nashville, 92Q is our local “urban” station. Don’t say black, you fucking racist). Suddenly, they will reveal that they do not, in fact, like ‘everything’. However I digress.

I am not a snob at all. I proudly proclaim my love of 80’s hair bands and pop. Anything generally shallow, happy, and catchy. I don’t care for bands still angry with their parents or teachers. (Note to ‘Artists’: If your life is still fucked up at age 25, you need to take a cue from Michael Jackson. No, don’t make the sex with children, I meant you need to look at the man in the mirror and grow up.) As to depressing music full of angst, keep it…I’m good. I prefer to listen to songs of lust, love, and loss.

The above is simply a preface to another lazy list post:

Some of The Freaky Weasels Favorite Lyrics

Number 1. …and she makes me want to be a homosexual… This lyric from a Bowling for Soup song never fails to crack me up. I love Bowling for Soup. They are the least pretentious of any band I’ve ever listened to. They write the songs I would write if I could write music. If I could summon up the courage to be gay for a band, it’d be them.

Number 2. …I love you in the same way there’s a chapel in a hospital… Fall Out Boy. The first time I heard this I laughed out loud. It’s possibly the most perfectly crafted lyric I’ve ever heard. Again as a shallow, selfish individual it speaks to me.

Number 3. …I never looked inside myself, cuz on the outside, I looked good… From the Broadway Musical Hairspray. Just plain funny in it’s honesty. Probably the reason I dig BFS and KISS so much. There is no lying. No crafty subterfuge. Just plain truth.

Number 4. …and I’m wondering what you’re dreaming, wondering if it’s me your seeing… This, obviously is from Aerosmith’s Armageddon song. This lyric isn’t so great, except my daughter was born the summer this was on the radio every 10 minutes. Being the anal worrisome type, I dragged my daughter’s crib every evening into my tiny bedroom (the Mrs. and I were on a budget) and I went to sleep with my arm hanging off the side of the bed so I could feel the rise and fall of her chest with my hand. My wife found this ridiculous, but I think most first time dads will get where I’m coming from. Why didn’t I select …I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…? Don’t be a dick. I had to sleep, asshole. However when babies laugh in their sleep, it’s funny as hell. And leads to a great deal of speculation as to why. As least in households not inhabited by morons.

Number 5. …All you need is love is a lie… A lot of folks hate John Mayer, but then again a heckuva lot more like him. Evidenced by the many sales, and many beautiful women he’s tapping as a result of his shmaltsy tunes. This line brings a lot of truth though. It’s so easy to date and have sex but long term relationships, while often great, have intermittent stretches when it feels like a job. I’m depressing myself. I was gonna stop with 5, but it’s my list. I’m going to go six to cheer myself up.

Number 6. …Don’t stop me now, I’m havin’ such a good time, I’m havin’ a ball… Don’t Stop Me Now would definitely get my vote for gayest song ever written. I think the director of Shaun of the Dead may have felt the same way as I believe this is the song playing on the juke box when the zombies break into the bar. On the other hand it creates in my very core a feeling of contentment and happiness. If you’re a man and you think liking this song would make you queer, I want to stop and remind you that it’s the cock in your mouth that makes you gay, not the content on your iPod.

I’m tired of typing now. If you have any favorites you’d like to share…good for you.

Modern Vampires are Pretty Much P*****s

      As far back as I can remember vampires have been very popular. The original Dracula (I’ve never read it, but saw the movie in ‘92) was a seductive fellow, as all vampires seem to be, but he was also a bad ass. He had minions, deviousness, and a plan.

    Almose every vampire in the “modern generation” seems to be half supernatural creature and half emo pussy boy. In Interview with a Vampire Ann Rice introduced a number of vampires. None of them macho…in fact much like her Sleeping Beauty characters, her vampires were pretty gay.

    The Twilight vampires are wusses who sit around and talk a lot about how sweet it is to be a vampire. I like the books, but I’ve seen Care Bear comics with more violence. (Remember when Funshine Bear kept using his fancy sun powers to burn the ants? Silly old bear.)

    The Buffyverse vampires, were never menacing, possibly due to the network standards on the WB. Angel was a whiner. Spike was completely emasculated once Buffy quit banging him. Even before that he whined over being handicapable, then over losing his dame. The S in Spike must’ve stood for sissy.

    I don’t know how to explain the True Blood brood, but kick ass isn’t quite right. Sure they’re sexy. All of the vampires above are sexy. Sexy goes hand in hand with the undead. I’ll admit, in 1 of the 3 episodes I’ve seen, the blond sheriff vampire beat a guy to death with his own arm. That was cool. Then two weeks later he’s flashing back to his sire and I sense a plot line of pissing and moaning on the horizon.

    All is not lost though. Not all modern vampires are neutered. semi-preternatural beasts. The 30 Days of Night vampires are fairly vicious and not terribly introspective. This is how it should be.

    The most evil vamps I’ve read about lately are the 13 Bullets breed. These, as described in the text, look similar to the 30 Days vamps but crank up the evil. When they feed…they feed viciously. It is carnage, it is a spree, and they are nigh unstoppable. However, when the occasion comes they need something other than blood…they will rip off your balls (or someone elses) and shove them in your eye sockets. They are what vampires should be. Evil.

    The CW has some new 90210 type vampire show coming up next season. I fear this series will continue to push vampires into the realm of tween girl plaything. I will not sit idly by and witness this travesty. I will use my energy instead to ride the current zombie fad of death and destruction the way God intended.